Nobody Knows it But Me
by AbayJ
Summary: WIP- 1-6 - I know that I said that I wouldn't post anymore Journey stories sorry I am going back on that, it is just that I see a lot of Jiz fics, and not enough Journey ones, So I want to add my Journey ones here once again, please RR
1. Nobody Knows it But Me

A/N: This is while Courtney is still married to A.J. and she is in love with Jason. I know I mention the rain kiss and that was taking place during the stalker S/L but for this fic there was not stalker, A.J. has not hired no one to stalk her.  
  
A/N2: ~*~ = Lyrics  
  
A/N3: *~* = Switch of POV  
  
A/N4: Disclaimer: This Song does not belong to me or the Characters. --------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Nobody Know It But Me (Journey version)  
  
I sit here looking at my husband. I don't love him, hell I am not even sure I ever have. Sure I was impress with him. I was impress what he could give me, I was impress with his charms, his lies. He says he loves me, maybe he does but how can I love him, how can I love him when I love another man. His brother. Ever since the stripping ordeal, I have loved him. Even when I was mad at him, mad at him for showing A.J. what I did. How I stripped for men. I still love him. A.J. says he forgives me, says that it is okay but when he says it, it means nothing. When Jason says it, it means everything.  
  
Every time he goes to touch me, I feel myself finch away. I feel myself wanting to puke. I know that I am supposed love when my husband touching me but all I can think is the kiss. The kiss we shared in the rain. How Jason lips felt on mine. How Jason hands felt on my skin. How he made me feel so safe. That's all I can think about. Not my husband hands, not his kisses, not how he makes me feel safe. Just Jason.  
  
~*~ Wish i had told her how i feel  
  
Maybe she'd be here right now  
  
But instead ~*~  
  
*~*  
  
Dammit I need to get Courtney out of my head. I can't be thinking about my brother's wife like this. I need to focus on work, on my family not Courtney. It's not fair, she should be with the best man and that sure in the hell wasn't A.J. or me but I can't help but feel selfish, wanting to take her away from everything. Wanting to take her away from that hell, she was in now. I know she isn't happy. A.J. was drinking again; he was off his rocker.  
  
She shouldn't have to deal with that shit but what can I do. After that kiss what could I do, I know if I see her again I will take her into my arms and make love to her. That was the worst thing I could do. She was married, to my brother.  
  
~*~ Like a clown i put on a show  
  
Paint it real even if nobody knows  
  
And im crying inside  
  
And nobody knows it but me  
  
Yeah hmmm ~*~  
  
*~*  
  
Every time I see Jason in Kelly's I feel pain in my heart, knowing that I can't be with him, knowing that I have to be faithful to a man I don't even love. It's not fait but who said life was fair. I think back on it, if I hadn't met A.J. I would have never met Jason so maybe it is worth. I get to be Jason friend that's enough. It has to be enough. I get up and move to the window. A.J. will be leaving tomorrow for Washington. Maybe I can invite Jason over for dinner. No, no I know what will happen. I have to be faithful to my husband and I will be.  
  
I look out and I see the rain poor. Every time I hear a motorcycle zoom down the road, I think of him. Think of him coming her to save me from him. I want him to so bad but I can't tell him that.  
  
~*~ Why didnt i say  
  
The things i needed to say  
  
How could i let my angel get away  
  
Now my world is just a tumblin down  
  
I can say it so clearly  
  
But your no where around ~*~  
  
*~*  
  
I get up and go down to the garage where my bike is, every night I ride by their place, for no reason at all, maybe there is the reason. I might get to see her in the window or go out on to the porch. I might get to see her long blonde hair or her gorgeous body. I hate feeling like this. Being a stalker but I can't help it, I can't help not wanting her. In my arms, wanting only me. Only me not her husband. Knowing that A.J. is the furthest man from her thoughts.  
  
~*~ The nights are lonely and the days are so sad  
  
And i just keep thinking about the love that we had  
  
And im missing you  
  
And nobody knows it but me  
  
Mm ya mmm ya ya ~*~  
  
*~*  
  
I look at the stars and the moons. I wish on all the stars I see, hoping that my wish will come true, hoping that they will bring Jason to me but I know they want. I look over at me shoulder at him, he is getting up coming behind me. It took all my power not to flinch at his touch but I don't. I am proud of myself. He puts his head on my shoulder. "Hey, come to bed," he tells me. I want to push him off of me and run out. Run to Jason but I don't.  
  
"In a few moments baby, in a few minutes. The sky is just so beautiful tonight," I tell him. Not leaning back into his arms like I would Jason. He kisses my neck. I know A.J. loves me but I just can't love him. After are fight a couple days ago about his drinking and me threatening to leave him, he has stop. He says that I am more important then his alcohol and I know that is hard for any man but why can't I love him for it, why can't I love him for it, I want to scream sometimes. At him, to tell him not to love me. To tell him I love your brother not you.  
  
~*~ I carry a smile when im broken in two  
  
And im nobody without someone like you  
  
And im tremblin inside  
  
And nobody knows it but me  
  
Yeah yeah yeah ~*~  
  
*~*  
  
I see her house in a distance. I see the lights. God I love her, I want her to be with me, in my apartment. Safe apartment. She is so innocent. So sweet, so honest. Hell he was none of those things but with her, she could make him all those things. She knows that. I know I love her already but I can't tell anyone that.  
  
~*~ Lie awake its a quarter past 3  
  
I'd scream it at night if I thought you'd hear me  
  
Ya my heart is callin you  
  
And nobody knows it but me  
  
Baby ~*~  
  
*~*  
  
I hear the motorcycle coming down the street. I feel my hope rise, that could be Jason. I feel A.J. lips on my shoulder. I hate the feel of his chapped lips. I used to like but after Jason kiss, all I want is his. I see the bike pull to a stop and the helmet come off. Oh my god it's Jason. Is, is he coming to get me. I turn and push A.J. "I'm sorry I need to go to the bathroom," I lie. I run to the bathroom and gather some things in my pocket. Then I run to the front door, walking out as quietly as I can.  
  
When I get there, he's not there. Where did he go? I felt my heart breaking. He left. He left me. Why? I ask myself as I start to cry. Tears streaming down my face. I start to walk away. Down the road not sure, where I am going. Just walking. Trying to stop the pain.  
  
~*~ How blue can i get  
  
You could ask my heart  
  
But like a jigsaw puzzle its been torn all apart  
  
A million words couldnt say  
  
Just how i feel  
  
A million years from now you know i'll be loving you still ~*~  
  
*~*  
  
She looked at me then turned to him. How could she? Doesn't she know I love her? I love her like I have loved no other. Why does she not want me? Doesn't she know I would worship her? I feel a tear roll down my cheek. I am crying. When is the last time I have cried. It has been so long I don't even remember.  
  
I park the bike on the road. I don't even care when I park. I start to walk. Hopping that the pain will go away. Hopping I will be ale to stop it.  
  
~*~ The nights are lonely  
  
And the days are so sad  
  
And i just keep thinking about the love that we had  
  
And im missing you  
  
And nobody knows it but me ~*~  
  
*~*  
  
I walked to the woods that were behind Sonny's penthouse building. I have no clue how I got here, but here I am. Maybe my self-conscious led me here. Maybe I wanted to see Jason even though my heart is saying no. Maybe I want my best friend. Maybe I want my big brother. I walk down the path I see a creek, the water flowing down softly. Just like my tears.  
  
I hate crying it leaves you nothing but a headache and puffy red face. Right now, I'm sure I look like a rat. I start to walk further down towards the creek. I lean down and splash some of the cold water on my face. I sit down. My knees pulled up, my chin resting on them. I hate my life; sometimes I just want it to end. Sometimes I want to run away from all the pain.  
  
~*~ Yeah yeah oooooooo yeah ay ooooooooooooooooooooo ooooooo  
  
Nobody, nobody but me  
  
Tomorrow morning im hitting the dusty road  
  
Gonna find you where ever  
  
ever you might go  
  
And im gonna unlaod my heart  
  
And hope you come back to me ~*~  
  
*~*  
  
I go to my spot. I have always wondered what it would be like to bring Courtney here. She would love it. She would love to look out all night and watch the sun rise or set. I want to share this with her but she doesn't want to share it with me.  
  
Love is a funny thing, especially the love I have Courtney, I am the only one that knows I love her; I am the only one that can know. I can't even tell Carly. She would tell Court in a minute. I have to suffer all by myself. I could always go back to Liz. I feel a shiver run down my back. God that's scary, even more scary then Courtney finding about how I feel about her.  
  
I think about her all nights. Thinking what it would feel like to hold her in my arms. Thinking how happy I would be, just to hold her. To feel her soft body in my arms. I wouldn't even have to make love to her. Just hold her.  
  
I stand up and walk back to my bike. The tears gone for the moment but they'll come back later. I know that. I could live with her feeling she had to hide her feeling but now it seems that there is no love there. I start riding until I get to the penthouse.  
  
~*~ Ya said when  
  
The nights are lonely and the days are so sad  
  
And i just keep thinking about the love that we had  
  
And im missing you  
  
And nobody knows it but me ~*~  
  
*~*  
  
I walk back up the path. The crying done, for now. I know I should get back to A.J. my husband. A shiver runs down my spine. I hate sleeping with him when I only want Jason arms around me. Sometimes I even feel alone when A.J. arms are around me but when Jason's are it's different. I feel safe, loved, happy. It so different and I can't help but want to feel like that again. For always.  
  
As I walk to the front of the buildings I here some one kill their motorcycle and I turn. He's here. He can see me. I can see him. I look at him as he removes his helmet.  
  
~*~ The nights are lonely and the days are so sad  
  
And i just keep thinking about the love that we had  
  
And im missing you  
  
And nobody knows it but me ~*~  
  
*~*  
  
What is she doing here, why is she here, how did she get here, when did she get here? Al these question run through my head as I look at her. I know that I need to leave her. She needs to get back to her husband but I want to go to her. Kiss her. Take her in my arms. Tell her I love her. But I don't I pull my eyes away from hers and feel my heart break. I have to do this. I have to let her go. I stand up and walk to the elevator.  
  
I feel her eyes on my back the whole time and I almost turn to her and run into her arms. This has to be the hardest thing I have ever done. I get to the elevator and turn to face her as I choose my floor. I see her all the emotion reflected in her eyes. The doors shut after the agonizing moment and I lean against the door.  
  
The next thing I know I am sitting on the floor crying. Knowing that I have ruined everything. Knowing that I will have to miss her every day.  
  
~*~ The nights are lonely and the days are so sad  
  
And i just keep thinking about the love that we had  
  
And im missing you  
  
And nobody knows it but me ~*~  
  
~*~ The nights are lonely and the days are so sad  
  
And i just keep thinking about the love that we had  
  
And im missing you  
  
And nobody knows it but me ~*~  
  
A/N5: You like. Please tell me what you thought. Love Ashley. 


	2. All I Ever Wanted

A/N: Okay this is a continuation have Nobody Knows It but Me. For the people you read the first chapter and gave me this idea to make it a WIP thank you so much. I have going to make it a work in progress and each chapter will have a song, it'll be kind of like my fic There You'll be but longer. I can see myself making this longer and it's great because since I have totally run out of ideas for Charms I am stopping that fic for the time being. I hope you like this fic; I 'm posting the beginning of it here and the second chapter. Thank you so much. Love Ashley.  
  
A/N2: ~*~ = Lyrics  
  
A/N3: *~* = Change of POV  
  
A/N4: I own nothing, not the characters or the song.  
  
A/N5: Please Read and Review. Tell me what you think and if you want to see more.  
  
ALL I'VE EVER WANTED  
  
I sit here and watch her going around waiting on people. I could take her away from this. She would never have to work again. I sit here waiting for her to come up and take my order. Everything has been strained between us since that night 3 weeks ago. Every time we see each other, we look the other way. Every time we are in the same room, you can cut the tension with a knife. Every time we have to talk, we try to make conversation but always fail. I can't stand it. I want to be her friend again. I will take even that. I would take anything she would give me right now.  
  
I watch how her body moves and I want to go grab her and hold he against my side and not let her go. I want to kiss her in front of every one and claim her mine. I had never been possessive or cave man like but she seems to bring that out in me.  
  
~*~ If you only knew  
  
What I feel for you  
  
If you only lived for me  
  
The way I live for you  
  
I'd be in heaven  
  
My dreams would come true ~*~  
  
*~*  
  
I feel his eyes on me, I always do this time of day. I keep meaning to change my shift but I always forget. Maybe I don't forget really. Maybe it's because I can't do with out seeing him. Looking at him is the best part of my day. Isn't that weird, I sound like I am back in high school ogling over my high school crush. It's pitiful.  
  
I know I should go serve him, he's been waiting for over and half an hour but unlike other customers who would get mad, he just sits there waiting for me. I know I should be flatter and I am but I am more scarred then anything. Every time I see him, I can't look him in the eye. The pain that was there 3 weeks ago is still there. The pain in my heart, the lump in my throat. Everything about that replays over and over in my head. And every time the pain comes back.  
  
I want to hate him but I can't. He left me and I still love him. He left me in that garage crying. Did he even feel the pain? Did he feel his heart breaking? Did he feel the tears falling down his cheeks? Did he feel anything?  
  
~*~ 'Cause all I've ever wanted  
  
Is you  
  
And you alone  
  
And I love you so  
  
More than you could ever know  
  
All I've ever wanted  
  
Is you ~*~  
  
*~*  
  
The woman I love comes over. She's dress in a light blue top and tight jeans. Every time I see a man eyes roam over her I want to go hurt them. How dare they look at her, she was his. Even if she didn't know it. They were meant to be together but there was a problem. She belonged to someone else. She looks me over and I feel warm. When has a woman made me feel warm with her eyes. Never that was when. Keesha, well I can't even remember her. Robin was always trying to change me. Carly was the only one who came close to making me feel like this, but still only close. Liz made my skin crawl, with her creepy obsessive looks. Courtney was the only one who made me feel like this. Made feel like a good person.  
  
~*~ If you were my own  
  
To caress and hold  
  
I would shower you with love  
  
And drown within your soul  
  
Because I live and breathe for you  
  
And I really need to know ~*~  
  
*~*  
  
Okay I guess I have to get his order, if I don't I could get fired and me and A.J. need the money. I look at him, still avoding those blue orbes. When I get there I stand on the opposite of him. I need to stay far enough away from him. "hello Jason," he gives me a smile. He rarly smiles but every time I say hello he gives me one. Sometimes I feel so lucky.  
  
I know I love him and I want nothing more then to be with him but I belong to A.J., a man I don't love. I want to be with him. I want to be the one he fall asleep, wakes up too, tells he loves. But I'll never be that person. Never.  
  
~*~ That all I've ever wanted  
  
Is you  
  
And you alone  
  
And I love you so  
  
More than you could ever know  
  
All I've ever wanted  
  
Is you ~*~  
  
*~*  
  
I see her smile as to she talks to me. I love her smile. Then I know she's happy. Know that maybe he is making her happy. "Um, how you doing?" I ask her. For some reason that is all that matters to me, that she is happy. That she is okay. I live in hell and she is my little pices in heaven on earth. She makes me a better man by just being here. But just talking to me.  
  
"I'm okay, you?" she asks me. How do I answer that question? Should I tell her I get no sleep because I am up thinking about her al night. Should I tell her I am living in hell, sinve I can't see her. Should I tell her my heart is so heavy from the love I can't share with no one.  
  
But know I'll lie, "I'm fine," I tell her. I so far from fine it isn't funny. It isn't the time to to tell her my true feeling, at least not yet. It may never be, but at least I know I can watch her from afar and dream the sweetest dreams.  
  
~*~ Everything I do is for you  
  
You are every part of me  
  
And I don't want to face  
  
Another day  
  
Alone  
  
Without your love ~*~  
  
*~*  
  
I bring him his black coffee. I tell him I am fine when he asks and I know that I am lying through my teeth but I have too. What else can I tell him. That I can't stand my husbands touch now that I have felt his. That I can't kiss my husband beacause every time I do I think of his lips. No so I lie. I look at him and smile as I set the coffee and sit the coffee down. I know at least I will see him every day at this time and in my drea, and maybe even one day when I bring his coffee I will tell him I love him. I just hope I get the courage soon.  
  
~*~ 'Cause all I've ever wanted  
  
Is you  
  
And you alone  
  
And I love you so  
  
More than you could ever know  
  
All I've ever wanted  
  
Is you ~*~ 


	3. My All

Chapter Three: My All  
  
I lay here and all I think of is her. I am in my room, thinking oh her lying by me. My arms around her tightly. Her soft body pressed against me. I wonder if she is feeling the same about me. If she is wanting my arms around her just like I want mine around her.  
  
Early today it was so hard for me to watch her talking and laughing with other people when all she can ask me is if I want my usual and how I am doing. I lie to her and then she goes on her way. I want to believe she was lying to me but I cannot tell.  
  
~*~ I am thinking of you  
  
In my sleepless solitude tonight  
  
If it's wrong to love you  
  
Then my heart just won't let me be right  
  
'Cause I've drowned in you  
  
And I won't pull through  
  
Without you by my side ~*~  
  
*~* I can feel myself grow cold. I want to think it is because A.J. is gone but I know, I was cold when he was here, when he had his arms around me. I'm cold because I do not have Jason. I know that is what it is but I just don't want to believe it. I want to deny it.  
  
I love him, I know that but love is only a emotion right, just like anger, sadness, and disappointment but you can get over all those so why can't I get over my love for him. Why can't I stop day dreaming about him, why can't I stop thinking of him, dreaming of him. Why can't I love my husband like I love him.  
  
~*~ I'd give my all to have  
  
Just one more night with you  
  
I'd risk my life to feel  
  
Your body next to mine  
  
'Cause I can't go on  
  
Living in the memory of our song  
  
I'd give my all for your love tonight ~*~  
  
*~*  
  
I feel a cold draft hit me. I look around and I see all my windows are closed but I am still cold. I know why. I know if I had Courtney, I would be warm. I look over at the nightstand and see the red numbers flash. It is 2:30 AM and I am still up. Why can't I fucking sleep. I feel anger now. At myself, at her, at my stupid heart for making me feel like this. I sit up and lean against the headboard. The sheet dropping to my waist.  
  
Is she sitting up like me suffering, not being able to her him out of her head. No, she is making love with A.J. probably. 'Well what's wrong with that Jason?' I hear the back of my head say. I hate that little annoying voice. It is always right. There is nothing wrong with it. Their married so I shouldn't care, but damn do i.  
  
~*~ Baby can you feel me  
  
Imagining I'm looking in your eyes  
  
I can see you clearly  
  
Vividly emblazoned in my mind  
  
And yet you're so far  
  
Like a distant star  
  
I'm wishing on tonight ~*~  
  
*~*  
  
I sit up, picking up my book of the nightstand. AS I do, I see the time flashing on the clock. It is 2:31 AM and I have to be up early. If he would just get out of my damn head. I am sure he is wrapped up in little Elizabeth arms. All warm and snugly. Safe and content. While I am here cold and sad. I hate him sometimes then love him all the while. The heart is a stupid thing. It can feel more then one emotion at a time.  
  
I stand and move to the windows. I can see his apartment building from the distance. I can even see the light shining from it. So he was up. Was he thinking over her? She wanted to believe the answer was yes but she would not let he hopes get up. It could be Elizabeth standing at it. She felt her heart start to crumble at that thought  
  
~*~ I'd give my all to have  
  
Just one more night with you  
  
I'd risk my life to feel  
  
Your body next to mine  
  
'Cause I can't go on  
  
Living in the memory of our song  
  
I'd give my all for your love tonight ~*~  
  
*~*  
  
I see her light go on in her apartment. I want to her to be standing there, looking over here. But I am sure it's not her. It could be one of them helping Rosie or A.J. could be getting ready for work. But for now as he rested his shoulder against the frame he would think, it was her standing there. Looking over here. Watching him, wanting him. For now he would be pretend and be happy.  
  
~*~ I'd give my all to have  
  
Just one more night with you  
  
I'd risk my life to feel  
  
Your body next to mine  
  
'Cause I can't go on  
  
Living in the memory of our song  
  
I'd give my all for your love tonight  
  
(I'd) give my all for your love tonight ~*~  
  
A/N: Short but it was just a filler. I hoped you like it. 


	4. My Reason For Breathing

Chapter Four: Reason For Breathing  
  
I always walk the pier every morning. I love it. So quite. So peaceful. Today I am thinking of her, just like every other day. Her laugh pops into my head. I want to hear her to be laughing at me, laughing at my jokes, although they are few and far between. I want to hear her to laugh when we have a tickle war. I want to hear her to laugh when we have a pillow fight. I want to hear her laugh when we are curled on the couch watching a sitcom. I want to hear her laugh when we are at the movies. I just what to hear her when she's with me laughing.  
  
While I am day dreaming I run into a short body and I look down. I see Penny. I know she is the best friend of Courtney. Maybe she could give me a idea how you are doing. "Hey Penny," I say to her. She smiles at me, which I am sure has done over thousands of men but on me I feel nothing.  
  
"Hey Jason, how are you," she asks me.  
  
"I am great, you?" I ask her. It's hard for me not to jump and ask how you are. Are you missing me, do you even talk about me?  
  
~*~ If I cried like a baby would you change your mind?  
  
If I told you I'm crazy would you come running back to me?  
  
The harder I try to break away, the more I get lost in yesterday  
  
The man that you know is just a shell, living without your life is hell  
  
I turn on the radio just to take the hurt away  
  
Another night and I'm missing you  
  
Girl, it's killing me, well ~*~  
  
*~*  
  
I see Penny and Jason talking, I wonder what it's about. I feel a pang of jealously and she is my best friend. What in the fuck is wrong with me. I want to run down there and go talk to him. I am going to the cellar tonight. I heard that Jason is going to be there. What does that mean? He probably will bring Elizabitch with him so she'll have his claws in him.  
  
It's not fair. She does not deserve him. 'Well you don't either Courtney, at least she can admit her feeling to him,' my voice says in the back of head. Its right, it's always right. Elizabit...Elizabeth is lucky she is not a coward.  
  
~*~ I don't wanna go clubbing, I got no one to dance with me  
  
I don't wanna go shopping, I got no one to spend my money on  
  
Spending my time with one glass of wine  
  
Playing solitaire just to ease my mind  
  
Poured one for you, but I drank that too  
  
Anything to kill the pain of losing you  
  
I don't wanna die tonight, but I think I might be going down  
  
'Cause the only one I ever cared about is nowhere to be found  
  
I don't wanna close my eyes 'cause I might not see the light of day  
  
I'm almost out of air  
  
You're my reason for breathing  
  
You're my reason for breathing ~*~  
  
*~*  
  
So Courtney doesn't talk to Penny about me. It hurts a bit. I want her to talk about me. God what in the fuck is wrong with me. Get over it Jason. Get over her. I walk home. As I open the door I see Elizabeth sitting on my couch. She is getting on my nerves anymore. So obsessive, she has to know wherever I go, when I go, how I go, when I'll be back, and who i was with. It's like I am living with my parents again. At least i think it is. Knowing the Quatermaines they probably was as strict. I am getting so fucking tired of her. Maybe I should just give her up, leave, and go somewhere where no one knows me. Just get the fuck away from her and Courtney. Make them a far away memory.  
  
~*~ I turn on the radio just to take the hurt away  
  
Another night and I'm missing you  
  
Girl, it's killing me  
  
I don't wanna die tonight, but I think I might be going down  
  
'Cause the only one I ever cared about is nowhere to be found  
  
I don't wanna close my eyes 'cause I might not see the light of day  
  
I'm almost out of air  
  
You're my reason for breathing  
  
You're my reason for breathing ~*~  
  
*~*  
  
I start getting dress and I see myself wondering what Jason likes, would he like this on me. What in the fuck is wrong with me? Do I get like this when I am trying to get ready for a date with A.J.; no I am not. Hell sometimes I don't even care. But here I am, trying to look my best. I need to stop and look around. Would he care? Will he care? No he won't his eyes will be on her. Miss perfect. Miss Elizabeth. I hate her but I have no right too. I have no right to hate someone when she just is braver then me.  
  
I go to my closet and look around. Well there is the blue sun dress, the red spaghetti strap dress, the tight green halter top dress, a black off the shoulder dress and the tight yellow tub top dress. I close my eye and pick, why worry what he thinks. It doesn't mater what he thinks. He won't care.  
  
~*~ I don't wanna die tonight, but I think I might be going down  
  
'Cause the only one I ever cared about is nowhere to be found  
  
I don't wanna close my eyes 'cause I might not see the light of day  
  
I'm almost out of air  
  
You're my reason for breathing  
  
You're my reason for breathing ~*~  
  
*~*  
  
"Elizabeth what in the fuck are you doing here," I ask her. I run a weary hand down my face.  
  
"Where were you," she stands up and puts her hands on her hips. She never trusted me. I mean sure the one time we made love I called out Courtney, is that so bad. Is that wrong that I love the woman so much that I want to make love to her. That when I made love to Elizabeth I saw her. Which is impossible. I mean where I used to think Liz was beautiful I now see he as a anorexic bitch.  
  
"I was out Liz, now will you please leave have to get to Carly club," oh god why in the hell did I mention that. Now she will want to go and there is no way in hell I am bringing her. Carly would kill me. She hates Liz more then Emily, well ever since she found out Liz slept with Zander. Hell I can't eve believe I took her back after she slept with him.  
  
"Are you taking me," I go and sit on the couch.  
  
"No, you know Carly will get mad," she looks like she is about to say something but I hold my hand up. She gives me a huff and walks out of the door. Slamming it. Goddamn she gives me a fucking headache.  
  
~*~ I don't wanna die tonight, but I think I might be going down  
  
'Cause the only one I ever cared about is nowhere to be found  
  
I don't wanna close my eyes 'cause I might not see the light of day  
  
I'm almost out of air  
  
You're my reason for breathing  
  
You're my reason for breathing ~*~  
  
*~*  
  
I get dress and look at myself in the mirror. Well I think I look pretty well. Hell I think I look hot but will he. Will Elizabitch up me one. Damn I hate her. Get off of it. Courtney just forget her. I sit down and apply my make up. Doing my hair. I love him and tonight I am going to tell him. That's it tonight is the night. At least I hope so.  
  
I stand up and grab my purse. Leaving my apartment. Tonight is the night. I keep saying it in my head. This is it. I am a strong woman and I can do it. I walk out my door and get in my car. I can't wait to see him.  
  
~*~ I don't wanna die tonight, but I think I might be going down  
  
'Cause the only one I ever cared about is nowhere to be found  
  
I don't wanna close my eyes 'cause I might not see the light of day  
  
I'm almost out of air  
  
You're my reason for breathing  
  
You're my reason for breathing ~*~  
  
*~*  
  
I look around my apartment and try to see what she would see, she would see a cold house, for a cold man. That was all she saw a cold man. He was the brain damage man, I am sure A.J. had told her all about him. Darn why did he have to be like this. Why couldn't he go to her and tell her how he felt? It was weird he could be thinking about anything and then she would pop in his head. He would try to see what was wrong with him. Why couldn't she love him? Why couldn't he tell her? Why was he so scared to admit his feeling? The fearless Jason Morgan was scared to tell the woman he loved that he loved her. It wasn't right but what could he do.  
  
~*~ I don't wanna die tonight, but I think I might be going down  
  
'Cause the only one I ever cared about is nowhere to be found  
  
I don't wanna close my eyes 'cause I might not see the light of day  
  
I'm almost out of air  
  
You're my reason for breathing  
  
You're my reason for breathing ~*~  
  
*~*  
  
I see him coming down the stairs, he looked gorgeous. Sexy. Dangerous. Lethal. He could stop a woman's heart a mile away. Hell she felt her own heart beating faster. No one was on his arm. Did that mean that she wasn't here with him. Did that mean he was alone. God I hope he was. Since tonight is the night I am going to tell him. I am sitting here talking to Carly. Sonny is getting up to greet Jason and I let my eye stray to his. He looks at me.......is that hunger. God dammit I hope it is. I see Carly with a smile on her face as I bring my eyes back to hers. I know she knows and I know there is going to be a big conversation. Dammit why to have to be so obvious. Why does my love have to be so obvious.  
  
~*~ So I'm reaching out on this distant line  
  
Hoping deep inside your heart's gonna find a reason  
  
To keep me breathing  
  
But I'm lost in this pain and I don't have much time  
  
I'm so tired of walking this same old line  
  
So I'm taking my pride, gonna throw it aside  
  
Please let me breathe girl, I'm sorry ~*~  
  
*~*  
  
Does she look good. That green dress. So tight I can see the outline of her breast. So sexy. So gorgeous. Not heavy make up, not like Elizabeth but of course she doesn't even need makeup. Courtney is beautiful with out it. Unlike Liz, she looks like something out of walking a swamp. I look her up and down and I feel her eyes do the same. I have decided, on the ride here that tonight was the night to tell her how I was in love with her.  
  
She gets up with Carly to go use the bathroom. I wonder if she will tell Carly I was ogling her. Why did I do that? I wonder if Sonny saw It and what would he say? Oh god I wish I didn't come but I knew Courtney would be here, so I am glad I came. At least I hope I am.  
  
~*~ I don't wanna die tonight, but I think I might be going down  
  
'Cause the only one I ever cared about is nowhere to be found  
  
I don't wanna close my eyes 'cause I might not see the light of day  
  
I'm almost out of air  
  
You're my reason for breathing  
  
You're my reason for breathing ~*~  
  
Me and Carly go to the bathroom. Some ways and I am dreading it. It's scary. Carly can always read me. It sucks. I hope she won't bring anything up but of course no one loves me up there. Because when I walk in Carly pushes me in and sits on the couch. "So tell me, what's with you and Jason," she asks. Her face glowing.  
  
"Nothing Carly and nothing more about it," with that I walk out. I here her huff and I laugh. I know later she will want to talk about but hopefully for tonight I have missed the bullet. I go back in the empty Cellar, the four of us the only people. I go and sit across from where Jason is sitting. This is going to be a long night.  
  
~*~ I don't wanna die tonight, but I think I might be going down  
  
'Cause the only one I ever cared about is nowhere to be found  
  
I don't wanna close my eyes 'cause I might not see the light of day  
  
I'm almost out of air  
  
You're my reason for breathing  
  
You're my reason for breathing ~*~  
  
*~*  
  
I hear Sonny ask Carly to dance. Me and Courtney have both avoided talking to each other. She talking to Carly and Sonny while I sit back a watch, to me talking to Sonny and Carly while she runs around to play waitress. I stand up. If I ask her to dance maybe that will be the perfect time to tell her, tell her that I love her. I walk over to her. Standing by her side and I hold my hand out to her. I see her tense up.  
  
"Will you have this dance with me?" I ask her. I say a prayer over and over in my head. I don't think I will be able to live if she say no. Please lord let her say yes.  
  
~*~ Baby girl, don't leave me standing here  
  
I'm barely breathing, girl, I'm running out of air  
  
Baby girl, don't leave me standing here  
  
I'm barely breathing, girl, I'm running out of air ~*~ 


	5. My Baby You

Chapter Five: My Baby You  
  
When she said yes, I thought my heart stopped. She was going to dance with me. I was going to be able to hold her into my arms. This is the perfect time to tell her but will I be able to. Will I be able to get the words out? Those three little words. I lead her out to the dance floor and take her deep into my arms. Her soft body pressed against me. Her body warming my own. She fits against me so well. Like to pieces of a puzzle.  
  
Her head goes under my chin, her arms around my neck, my own on her lower back. I love how she feels against me. I have never felt so good in my life. I have never felt so whole in my life. I am so in love with her it hurts. She leans back and looks at me. Her eyes are the bluest I have ever seen. So sweet, kind, so innocent but they are like mine. They close up. They show nothing of her feelings. Just her innocence.  
  
~*~ As I look into your eyes  
  
I see all the reasons why  
  
My life's worth a thousand skies  
  
You're the simplest love I've known  
  
And the purest one I'll own  
  
Know you'll never be alone My baby you  
  
Are the reason I could fly  
  
And cause of you  
  
I don't have to wonder why  
  
Baby You ~*~  
  
*~*  
  
What is that in his eyes? Is it love? No, no stop getting your hopes up. It is you imagination playing tricks on you. He does not love you. He likes you as a friend. No where in that sentence says love. I look at him. I hate that I can't read his eyes. I hate that I can't tell what he is thinking. All I know is that when I feel close to him I feel so cherished. So, love. Why do I feel love if he doesn't love me.  
  
"So, um, how's Liz," I ask him in my friendliest tone. I hate talking about her. She has him and I don't. It's either jealousy, or envy. I am leaning towards jealousy.  
  
"She's good, how's A.J.," I hear the strain in his voice. It still hurts him to talk about A.J., well I can understand that. A.J. is the one that almost killed him. Brain damaged him. It is his fault that Jason can't remember anything.  
  
"He's gone for the weekend but other then that he's doing well, Hess stop drinking," I add. Why did I add that. What's the point. I want him so why am I putting up this front for him. I hear Carly and Sonny talking, kissing each other. Then Carly turns to me.  
  
"Court, Jase, do u mind closing up the place me and my baby want to head home," she says with a smile not one man or woman could say no too. Now I no how she always gets her way. I look at Jason and he looks a little uncomfortable but if he wants to leave after they go that's fine with me. But if he stays, maybe that would be the perfect time to tell him. 'Please let him stay' I say to myself  
  
~*~ There's no more just getting by  
  
You're the reason I feel so alive  
  
Though these words I sing are true  
  
They still fail to capture you  
  
As mere words can only do  
  
How do I explain that smile  
  
And how it turns my world around  
  
Keeping my feet on the ground ~*~  
  
*~*  
  
Okay I am not sure if that is good or not. Being alone with Courtney that is, I guess it is a good thing but the other part of me says it could be bad. I might want to act on my feeling instead just telling her them. Dammit all to hell, why does this happens to me. Sonny and Carly come up to us and say their good-byes. Once they are gone, I look at Courtney. God she looks gorgeous. That dress, that body, her face, and her smile.  
  
"Um...if you want to get back to Liz then you can I mean I don't mind you know?" she say to me. God if she only knew. I want nothing to do with that annoying woman, not to mention I don't want to leave her. I love her, I wish I could tell her that. But tonight I am, there is not going to be any wishing about it.  
  
"No, no Courtney we have to talk okay, um I have to tell you something important," I see the confusion pass her eyes. Tonight there would be no more confusion about what they feel. She would know I love her and I would know if she loves me or not. God do I hope she does though.  
  
"Okay what about," she says, I love her voice it is so sexy and husky. I could listen to that voice for my whole life and I wish I could but I am do not if I will ever be able too. She is married to A.J. and she will never leave him.  
  
~*~ My baby you  
  
Are the reason I could fly  
  
And cause of you  
  
I don't have to wonder why  
  
Baby You  
  
There's no more just getting by  
  
You're the reason I feel so alive  
  
Though these words I sing are true  
  
They still fail to capture you ~*~  
  
*~*  
  
What does he want to talk to me about? Does he want to tell me he loves me? No stop thinking like that, he wants to tell you that he can't see you anymore that you are to clinging to him. That he can't handle seeing you with lovesick puppy look on you face and not get sick. I brace my heart for the blow. I think I can handle, I have to handle it. "Courtney you see I have been having these um feeling and um I am not sure um to tell you. God I suck at things like this," he had feeling for her. What kind of feelings, were the feeling like a friend.  
  
"What kind of feeling Jason?" I hear myself ask, I want to know. Don't I? Yes of course. I know I do but what if it something bad. Okay deep breaths Courtney. You want to know, this is what you have been waiting for. I am going to sit here and listen to him. I will sit here and listen to what he will say and whatever he says I will understand.  
  
~*~ As mere words can only do  
  
How do I explain that smile  
  
And how it turns my world around  
  
Keeping my feet on the ground  
  
I will sooth you if you fall  
  
I'll be right there if you call  
  
You're my greatest love of all  
  
My baby you  
  
Are the reason I could fly  
  
And cause of you  
  
I don't have to wonder why  
  
Baby You ~*~  
  
*~*  
  
I look at her face, she looks worried. Well why shouldn't she be, I mean you are going to tell her that you love her. That you love your brother's wife. Okay Jason deep breaths. You can do this. You will do this. Now. "Courtney my feelings I feel for you are not what the should be, I mean you are with my brother. I can't have these feelings, I am not supposed but I can't help um that um I um lo.......," I stop when I hear the voice, of god why did she always come at the wrong time . I was about to tell the love of me life that I love her, that I want to be with her when the nightmare comes here.  
  
"Jason what are you still doing here," she says as she comes down the stairs. I wish she would just vanished or paint the wind and go fly in it. When I feel her, touch I close me eyes pretending it is Courtney.  
  
When I open them, I see Courtney leaving. "Wait Courtney I need to talk to you, please," I say to her. I hear the pleading in my voice and almost think it is someone else's. She looks back at me and I see the hurt. I want to go wrap my arms around her and take the pain away myself.  
  
"I think you and Liz needs to talk," with that, she walks up the stairs, not looking back. I feel the urge to cry. God my hate is growing and growing for Liz, I have never hit a woman in my life but tonight I am very close to decking Liz. I turn to face her.  
  
"Don't you get it Liz or does something have to hit you, I DON'T WANT YOU! I WANT COURTNEY!!!" I yell at her. Jesus. I just want Courtney, I fall into a chair and put my head in my hands. I feel one tear fall as I hear Elizabeth close the door I smile a little. I hope she out of my life but the one woman I love maybe too.  
  
~*~ There's no more just getting by  
  
You're the reason I feel so alive  
  
Though these words I sing are true  
  
They still fail to capture you  
  
As mere words can only do  
  
How do I explain that smile  
  
And how it turns my world around  
  
Keeping my feet on the ground  
  
Arianna I feel so alive ~*~  
  
A/N: Okay was it okay, not as long as the other. A lot of people are asking who these songs are by, well here are the ones I have so for and for now on I will start to write who they are by, the first one Nobody Knows It But Me is by Babyface (chapter One), along with Reason for breathing (chapter Four), and All I ever wanted (Chapter Two) was by Mariah Carey. This song My Baby You, by Marc Anthony. I hope this works and I am sorry for not posting them in the beginning. I am a huge fan of Babyface and All-4-One and I think as the chapters go on you will see I will be using them a lot, along with some older stuff. I hope you continue to read this fic. Love, Ashley. 


	6. Total Eclipse of the Heart

Chapter Six: Total Eclipse of the Heart  
  
I love running in the morning. Good for the body. I run along the path I always run. I usually bring Rosie but today she wasn't feel good so I left her at home with A.J. I know she will be fine, even with A.J. temper, he wouldn't hurt Rosie, maybe me but not Rosie. I rub my wrist thinking about last night. When he got home, I had a beautiful cooked meal on the table, candles lit, the new dress I brought, on my simmering body but he didn't even notice. He was angry for some reason. He stormed in and grabbed my wrist, pushing me against the wall, taking me right there. Harshly, hard, and rough. I was in so much pain, I felt like I was being raped, me telling him to stop only seem to encourage him. When he was done, he kissed me, bruised my lips and walked away. I slid to the floor crying. I hate when he does that to me. Takes what he wants, anyway he wants, and anytime he wants and leaves me. That is why I am running so early this morning. To make em feel better, it always does.  
  
I run passed the oldest tree in Port Charles, it is over 500 years old. It is a beautiful tree. So big, the leaves are turning colors. The reds, the yellow, the orange making a wonderful rainbow. I lean against another tree across from it. Catching my breath. I love to run but I hate the part where you are out a breath, panting, not being able to catch it. It brings back to many bad memories. The ones where my mother's boyfriend of the week would put me in a dark closet, a small little room. I hated those times, I know what how Sonny felt, scared alone, feel like you'll never be able to breath fresh air. It is one of the scariest moments. Just like last night. He had never been so rough. Never so cruel. The whole time I was hoping for Jason to come and save me.  
  
I have been thinking of Jason all week, I see him, no Liz. Carly told me they had broken up. She was glad of course and I just masked my feeling from her. I wanted to jump up for joy but that may be a little awkward. I did do a little jig in the car though. I loved it. Knowing he was no longer hers but then it did leave me a little confused. If he was about to break up with Liz, the what did he want to tell me? What was he going to say to me?  
  
~*~ Turnaround, Every now and then I get a  
  
little bit restless and I dream of something wild  
  
Turnaround, Every now and then I get a  
  
little bit helpless and I'm lying like a child in your arms  
  
Turnaround, Every now and then I get a  
  
little l angry and I know I've got to get out and cry  
  
Turnaround, Every now and then I get a  
  
little bit terrified but then I see the look in your eyes  
  
Turnaround bright eyes, Every now and  
  
then I fall apart  
  
Turnaround bright eyes, Every now and  
  
then I fall apart bit ~*~  
  
*~*  
  
God get out of my head Courtney, we can't be together. I hate thinking about her, knowing she will never be mine. Emily is sick, my one and true best friend is sick, she could be dying and there is nothing I can do. I always told her I would protect her and now I can't. I can't go get this cancer and kill it with a quick click of my gun. I can protect her. I feel my breath go rapid. I hate this feeling. I hate that I can't do my job. I hate when I feel closed in. When I feel like there is nothing to save me, no one to save me. When I can't even save myself. I feel the walls closing in and I know I have to get out. I grab my jacket and run for the elevator, but think about it again. Not a good idea too small. I turn the to the stairs, taking them two at a time. Needing fresh air.  
  
I go to the jogging path and start to run running makes em feel so free. Makes me feel alive. The feeling I need most right now. Then half way down the path I see her. My angel. My beautiful angel. She is sitting below the tree, her head in her hands. I want to run to her, take her into my arms, take away her pain, like I can't take Em's away, maybe save her. Save her from anything, I can. Protect her. Heal her.  
  
~*~ Turnaround, Every now and then I get a  
  
little bit restless and I dream of something wild  
  
Turnaround, Every now and then I get a  
  
little bit helpless and I'm lying like a child in your arms  
  
Turnaround, Every now and then I get a  
  
little bit angry and I know I've got to get out and cry  
  
Turnaround, Every now and then I get a  
  
little bit terrified but then I see the look in your eyes  
  
Turnaround bright eyes, Every now and  
  
then I fall apart  
  
Turnaround bright eyes, Every now and  
  
then I fall apart ~*~  
  
*~*  
  
God why am I crying. It has been years since those memories have bothered me. Since they have came back so hard. So real. My mother's boyfriend yelling at me, hitting me, hurting me. I hate those memories. I feel a pair of arms come around me and I scream, they feel like Tommy's. I feel someone whisper in my ear. "It's okay Courtney, it's me, Jason," I go tense a little. I don't want him to see me like this. I have fallen apart; he is the last person who I wanted to see me like this. I love him, and now he will just think I am weak. Like Elizabeth. I push out of his arms and stumble up, to stand, wiping furiously at me eyes. Trying to get rid of all the tears.  
  
"What.......what are you doing here," my voice is horse from the tears. My eyes are puffy and glistening. I can not stand for him to see me like this but his eyes are telling me he understand. That he is hurting. Was he hurting because of Liz, wasn't he the one that broke up with him.  
  
~*~ And I need you now tonight  
  
And I need you more than ever  
  
And if you'll only hold me tight  
  
We'll be holding on forever  
  
And we'll only be making it right  
  
Cause we'll never be wrong together  
  
We can take it to the end of the line  
  
Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time  
  
I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark  
  
We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks  
  
I really need you tonight  
  
Forever's gonna start tonight  
  
Forever's gonna start tonight ~*~  
  
*~*  
  
I need her, I need to talk to her and I think she needs the same. Why won't she let me hold her. I love her. I want to comfort her but of course, she doesn't know I love her. Maybe after we talk I can tell her. "Court, I need to talk, you need to talk, so let's talk together."  
  
"How do you know I need to talk, who said I wanted to talk to you," damn that stung. I want her to be able to talk to me, share her secret with me. I love her, doesn't she understand that dammit, can't she see that.  
  
"Please Courtney, I need to talk, and I want to talk to you, please talk to me, listen to me," I hear the pleading in my voice. I need to talk to her. I will beg for it. I will beg on my hands and knees for one moment with her.  
  
~*~ Once upon a time I was falling in love  
  
But now I'm only falling apart  
  
There's nothing I can do  
  
A total eclipse of the heart  
  
Once upon a time there was light in my life  
  
But now there's only love in the dark  
  
Nothing I can say  
  
A total eclipse of the heart ~*~  
  
*~*  
  
I hear him pleading with him and I know I can't say no. I sit back down, next to him. My knees pulled up to my chest. My head laying on them. "Okay so let's talk," I see the smile on his face, his eyes don't match but I know at least he is a bit happy about it.  
  
"Courtney, I need to talk to you for a few reasons, the reason I chose you was because I trust you and you make me feel happy. I need so cheering up bad, and I know you do to. So can we cheer each other up please," he does look haggard and I hate to see him like this.  
  
"Yes, we can," I tell him. I love his smile. I wish I could just take the hurt out of his eyes. Wish I could take the pain away.  
  
~*~ Turnaround bright eyes  
  
Turnaround bright eyes  
  
Turnaround, every now and then I know  
  
you'll never be the boy you always you wanted to be  
  
Turnaround, every now and then I know  
  
you'll always be the only boy who wanted me the way that I am  
  
Turnaround, every now and then I know  
  
there's no one in the universe as magical and wonderous as you  
  
Turnaround, every now and then I know  
  
there's nothing any better and there's nothing I just wouldn't do  
  
Turnaround bright eyes, Every now and  
  
then I fall apart  
  
Turnaround bright eyes, Every now and  
  
then I fall apart ~*~  
  
*~*  
  
Okay so now I am going to tell her I feel, and hopefully get her to open up too. I look at her and I see the pain and I want to talk it away. I love her so much and it feels like my heart is being torn out when I see her look like that. I love her too much to let her hurt like this. "My sister Emily has cancer," I begin. Hopefully we can each get over the other wall around our hearts.  
  
~*~ And I need you now tonight  
  
And I need you more than ever  
  
And if you'll only hold me tight  
  
We'll be holding on forever  
  
And we'll only be making it right  
  
Cause we'll never be wrong together  
  
We can take it to the end of the line  
  
Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time  
  
I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark  
  
We're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks  
  
I really need you tonight  
  
Forever's gonna start tonight  
  
Forever's gonna start tonight  
  
Once upon a time I was falling in love  
  
But now I'm only falling apart  
  
There's nothing I can do  
  
A total eclipse of the heart  
  
Once upon a time there was light in my life  
  
But now there's only love in the dark  
  
Nothing I can say  
  
A total eclipse of the heart ~*~  
  
A/N: I am so sorry for the delay, I have been so busy with work and my daughter (potty training is hard lol). Please review. Love Ashley. 


End file.
